my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
