The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
