Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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