I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Just puked most of my soul out..
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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