I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
