My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
