so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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