I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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