I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
