My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He shit in the fireplace
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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