You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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