I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
She is in my trunk
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
