normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
