we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
