The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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