Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
