Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
