My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize