We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize