The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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