Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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