Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
