theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
