Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
