I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
