I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
