remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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