I think my fart just growled at me.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
