Can i not drive my cunt home
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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