She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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