@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
