nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
love makes seman taste better
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
