I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
