this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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