Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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