??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
