Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
