Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
