if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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