I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
