who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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