Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize