i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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