On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I need to align my fucking chakras
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
