Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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