i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize