Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
