Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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