There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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