I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize