you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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