He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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