just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
How does one acquire holy water?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
