her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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