Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I deserve this hangover.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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