1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
