I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
