she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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