chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
